BEING BORN AGAIN, AGAIN

WHEN I AWOKE THIS MORNING, I FELT ALIVE…  STRETCHED THE KINKS OUT AND GOT UP AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM…WENT TO THE KITCHEN SINK AND GRABBED THE EDGE WITH BOTH HANDS…WENT UP ON MY TOES, STRAIGHT-ARMED, ARCHED MY WHOLE BODY INTO A PERFECT BACK BOW…SLOWLY STRAIGHTENED UPRIGHT, STILL ON MY  TOES, ARMS STILL STRAIGHT, SLOWLY BOWED FORWARD WHILE LETTING MY KNEES BEND WHILE SLOWLY SINKING TO THE FLOOR, ARMS STILL STRAIGHT UNTIL BUTT TOUCHES FLOOR…THEN LET MY HEELS COME DOWN TO THE FLOOR, AND EXCEPT FOR THE GRIP OF MY HANDS, RELAXED TOTALLY…DELICIOUS BITE OF LIVING…THEN  PULL MYSELF UPRIGHT WITH MY ARMS…KNEES LOOSE, SPINE STRAIGHT, CHIN LEVEL, HEAD BALANCED OVER HIPS…TURN AND WALK TO THE BACK DOOR, OPEN AND CHECK THAT THE SCREEN DOOR IS LATCHED…TURN BACK UNTIL FACING THE FRONT DOOR THROUGH KITCHEN AND WORKSHOP… NOW THE LONG, SLOW, MINDFUL, FLOWING WALK TO THE FRONT…

FRONT DOOR OPENS ON WETNESS AND A CRISP BREEZE RIFFLING THE D#MINOR9 CHIMES SOFTLY AS I BACK SLOWLY TO THE CENTER OF THE ROOM… I STAND RELAXED AWAITING THE SUN…ALMOST WEIGHTLESS, TIMELESS IN WAITING…FAR IN THE BACK OF MY MIND COMES…PRAISE GOD FROM WHOM ALL BLESSING FLOW…PRAISE HIM ALL CREATURES HERE BELOW…PRAISE HIM ABOVE YE HEAVENLY  HOSTS…PRAISE FATHER, SON, AND HOLY GHOST…LIGHT STRIATIONS OF CLOUD, TINGED YELLOW… I SEE YOU AS YOU ARE; NOW SEE ME AS I AM…A RAY OF ORANGE IN BROADENING YELLOW…SIGHT BLURS, HEART FULL, BEATING, BEATING…NO TIME, NO TIME, HARDLY BREATHING…DENSE BEVY OF SMALL BIRDS SPRAY OUT LIKE A FOUNTAIN AS THE FIERY RING  BREACHES THE LAST BARRIER AND  MAKES DAY... I AM BATHED IN MORNING’S GLORY- A RAIMENT WEIGHTLESS WITH SHINE…FEELING MY SHADOW FLEE BACK FROM MY HEELS…GLORY, GLORY, GLORY,  GREAT GOD ALMIGHTY! LET ME FEEL THY SPIRIT PRESENCE ALL THE DAY LONG. REJOICE, REJOICE, MY HEART, MY SAVIOR IS HERE…..”THE WIND HOVERING OVER THE WATER” CREATION, THE INVISIBLE MOVING THE VISIBLE, A BAPTISM INTO A NEW LIFE…THERE IS A WETNESS ON MY HEAD AND THE WORLD IS PUDDLE WONDERFUL  AND THE LITTLE BIRDS MAKE JOYFUL PEEPS… AND ALL THE DAY MY HEART WILL BE HAPPY AS I WORK…BLESS ALL THE WONDERFUL PEOPLE YOU HAVE BROUGHT INTO MY LIFE; BRING COMFORT TO ALL WHO SORROW OR FRET FOR LOVED ONES; BRING SERENITY TO THOSE WHO FEAR OR RAGE AT THE CHAOS OF OUR TIMES; LET ALL REMEMBER THY PERFECT PROVISION AND TRUST THE MEETING OF ALL THEIR NEEDS; THY PEACE AND PROTECTION HOVER OVER ALL AND SHEPHERD US TO STILL WATER…WE THANK THEE FOR THE GRACE OF THY REALITY, SUFFICIENT UNTO THE DAY.

PRAYER OF SACRIFICE AND FOR REDEMPTION

I AM CONCERNED ABOUT MY SPIRITUAL HEALTH AND I AM RELUCTANT TO TALK ABOUT IT OR EVEN THINK ABOUT IT AND IT HAS BEEN QUITE A LONG TIME SINCE I HAVE TAKEN THESE THINGS BEFORE MY FATHER AND SACRIFICED THEM TO HIS WILL. ONCE MORE I DISCOVER THAT DULL, LISTLESS FEELING OF STUMBLING TOWARD A CHASM, A PIT OF ABANDONMENT.

I HAVE A VERY STRONG WILL WHEN IT COMES TO SELF DESTRUCTION. JESUS IS CALLING ME TO STOP AND LOOK INTO MYSELF AND MAKE THE CHOICES WHICH ARE MINE TO MAKE: DEATH OR LIFE. MY WILL OR HIS WILL RULING. DEATH OR LIFE: CHOOSE

THIS IS AN ACT OF FAITH TO HERE CONFESS TO SELF AND FRIENDS AND ENEMIES ALIKE THIS CORE OF MY INSANITY.  BY HIS GRACE THE HOLY ONE HAS LIFTED ME AND GIVEN ME A LIFE REDEEMED. AND I AM GRATEFUL AND A BETTER MAN THAN I WAS. BUT JESUS HAS BEEN GENTLY HERDING ME TO THE STILL LITTLE POOL AT THE MOUTH OF THE SPRING TO DRINK THAT COLD, CLEAN WATER AND ENTER INTO THE KINGDOM MORE FULLY COMMITTED AND FIT TO DO MY FATHERS WILL.

I AM A HEAVY SMOKER SINCE THE AGE OF 17 TO NOW. THOUGH I DO NOT MUCH THINK ABOUT IT, BUT WHEN I DO,  I RECOGNIZE IT AS MY WILL TO DIE MANIFESTED.  I WILL NOT DIE BY CANCER BUT BY DROWNING IN THE FLUIDS OF MY LABORING LUNGS. RIGHT NOW, AS I WRITE, I AM CHAIN-SMOKING, A SYMPTOM OF EXTREME STRESS. IT IS A CRIME OF MURDER AGAINST MYSELF ON JUDGEMENT THAT I AM NOT WORTHY TO LIVE. AN ARROGANCE AGAINST MY CREATOR’S WILL, WHO MADE ME.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I’VE HARMED NOT ONLY MYSELF IN THIS, BUT MORE GRIEVOUSLY, I’VE HARMED THOSE WHO BOUND THEIR LIVES TO MINE IN LOVE.  LYING, HIDING, SECOND-HAND SMOKE, SELF-CENTERED ATTENTION, MASKED RELATING, PETTY RESENTMENTS, ALL CONSPIRED TO DESTROY TRUST BETWEEN US AND ATE THE LOVE ALIVE UNTIL THERE WAS ONLY HUSK. MY CHILDREN ARE AMONG THE INNOCENT VICTIMS OF MY WILLFUL DENIALS.

  THERE IS ANOTHER MATTER, HARDER TO CONFESS. THAT NATURAL COMPLEX  OF PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL COMPONENTS FUSED, MY SEXUALITY, WAS ROUSED TO EXPRESSION IN LATE CHILDHOOD, BEFORE PUBERTY. DISCOVERING THE EVIDENCE, MY MOTHER BROUGHT ME SHAMING; SO  I LEARNED TO HIDE. I WAS SUCCESSFUL, BEING CLEVER. PART OF MY EXTREME SHYNESS WITH FEMALES AFTER PUBERTY WAS DUE TO MY FANTASIES ABOUT THEM, WHICH I COULD NOT EVEN BEGIN TO ACT UPON. I WAS SEVERELY PUNISHED WITH HUMILIATION EVERY TIME I WAS DRIVEN TO MAKE WHAT SMALL GESTURES I ATTEMPTED TO INDICATE INTEREST. LOOKING BACK, I REALIZED THAT UNDERMINING EVERY RELATIONSHIP IS THE SELF-JUDGEMENT THAT MY INTENTIONS ARE NOT HONEST. THIS CORRUPTION HAS HARMED EVERYONE I’VE EVER LOVED. EVENTUALLY THIS JUDGEMENT RULED ALL RELATIONSHIPS, EVEN WITH MYSELF.

SO BY HOLDING ON TO THESE TWO THINGS, MY CONSCIOUSNESS REMAINS CORRUPTED, THOUGH SAVED. I’VE REACHED A POINT, DEAR JESUS, WHERE I MUST CONFESS MY RECOGNITION THAT I CANNOT FIX THESE THINGS IN ME NOR EVEN WILL THEM TO NOT BE. MY SENSE OF SELF IS SO CHAINED TO THEM I CANNOT IMAGINE BEING ME AT ALL WITHOUT WHAT IS AT THEIR CORE. NOR CAN I CLAIM I TRULY UNDERSTAND. I AM AT THE END OF UNDERSTANDING MYSELF. I CAN THINK OF NO FURTHER EXCUSE. MY LIFE HAS BECOME A BURDEN I CAN NO LONGER BEAR. AS MUCH AS I AM ABLE, I HAVE SURVEYED ALL THE HARM TO OTHERS I HAVE DONE AND KNOW I HAVE NOT PLUMBED IT ALL. TO BE ISOLATE AND CELIBATE DOES NOT SUFFICE TO ABSOLVE ME; INDEED, IT IS ARROGANT SELF-JUDGEMENT WHICH ONLY FORTIFIES MY DEATH-WISH.

I HUMBLY CONFESS MY SIN AGAINST THE LIFE I HAVE BEEN GIVEN. ON MY OWN I HAVE NO FUTURE; IN MY SELF I AM WITHOUT HOPE, EXCEPT IN THEE. ONCE AGAIN I AM ON MY KNEES. I SURRENDER TO THE JUDGEMENT OF THE HOLY ONE

I AWAIT THY WILL. THY WILL, NOT MINE BE DONE…

It is the first miracle

I was ever aware of,

First of many miracles since,

A mystery that stays a mystery

And I in wonderment,

And so live I daily, myst’ry at the core.

We walk now, He and I, along sea-salted shore,

Down that needled path from the Chapel

That’s down the leafy path from the Spring,

An everlasting water flow

Of freely proffered Grace

 On my knees

Received.