I feel You here, in this place. I am listening. I come and listen. For the living, silence never happens; there is never total absence of sound. Now that I listen, I hear that and know it has always been so. I can evoke and feel in my chest the great 32 and 64 foot organ pipes and an impossibly high set of descant notes, then long, slow arpeggios from low to high, repeating like slow breathing- key, third, fifth, key, third, fifth- like. slow. breathing. JUST AS I AM- THOU WILT RECEIVE, WILT WELCOME, PARDON, CLEANSE, RELIEVE; BECAUSE THY PROMISE I BELIEVE, O LAMB OF GOD, I COME! I COME! That total surrender which allows Your re-forming of me often eludes me and I must feel afresh the pain of my weaknesses and failures to find the humility which reopens the door to the Path of Life— Then, serene joy once more. Help Thou my unbelief. Strengthen me to walk longer in Thy redeeming light.
Christmas and New Years are hard holidays for me to weather in good spiritual health. I am still by nature slow to seek and dwell in fellowship when it would be good for me to do so. Even my internet friends can’t help much because I don’t reach out to them, except if I know of needs they have that maybe I can help with. Then some sensitive friends pick up on my isolation and reach out to me. Bless`ed friends, and through them the Great Shepherd, have made this recent period of incipient depression better than usual. One friend in particular, who has every reason to be absorbed in her own situation to the exclusion of all else, still has managed to leave significant gifts of loving encouragement; for instance she knows I miss singing in a choir and that I have a funky electric short keyboard and a couple of hymnals and I sing alone, so she frequently posts videos of church congregations singing, or the Gaither Vocal Band, a big favorite of mine…for the general enjoyment, of course… she also uses music to lift her own spirits…she genuinely is sharing with everyone, but she knows it is a particular balm to my spirit…Bless her good heart.
Let’s see. Is my footing better? Am I secure on this rock? Do I want to be?… Instruct me sweet Shepherd. I just want to be with Thee. Just let me be with thee. Be thou my vision, clarified, a straight line from my heart to Thine. Fill my mouth only with truth speech, my tongue a sword to Thy service, filled with power that is only Thine to give and only for the heart’s ease of those you would have me serve. Grip me strongly to Thee, for I am often weak, and without Thy constant Presence am nothing at all. Though I cannot be true without Thee and am inconstant even to myself, still I love Thee more than anything other and offer myself utterly to Thy use. Empower me to be True, Holy Father. Make of me a proper vessel of Thy Holy Spirit in action in this world. Bend, shape, snap, break, mend and reform me; Whatever be Thy will, I am Thine to use, by my own choice, which is itself Thy gift in my creation, take me and make me useful to Thy purposes. Ordain me to whatever ministry You Will. Just as I am, I come…
(I am thankful, Lord, that you so artfully drove me to this keyboard, despite my stubborn, dug in heels and bleating. I feel so much better now.)