FROM PSALM  40, 1ST STANZA—  I WAITED AND WAITED AND WAITED FOR GOD. / AT LAST HE LOOKED; FINALLY HE LISTENED. / HE LIFTED ME OUT OF THE DITCH, / PULLED ME FROM DEEP MUD. / HE STOOD ME UP ON A SOLID ROCK / TO MAKE SURE I WOULDN’T SLIP. / HE TAUGHT ME HOW TO SING THE LATEST GOD-SONG, / A PRAISE SONG TO OUR GOD. / AND MORE AND MORE PEOPLE ARE SEEING THIS: / THEY ENTER THE MYSTERY, / ABANDONING THEMSELVES TO GOD.

JANUARY 2, 2014 I wrote a piece based on Psalm 40 and finished with a dedication prayer to God service. It is time to look again and sing into the mystery…

April 25— Entering the mystery- abandoning myself to God— Even angels, prostrate, fall—

Once self-awareness dawned, I became anxious:: All was great; I was small; vertigo, being suspended in palpable vastness; mystery- what was keeping me from falling?

To enter the mystery, I must trust that unknown which has always sustained me, must have put me here, surely has a purpose/ No: I hope, has a purpose. I hope, meant to put me here.— Even with trust and hope there is anxiety. On the brink of abandon but still clenched in resistance; what can unclench me?

What responded so undeniably when I reached toward that great unknown for help from the brink of total hopeless abandonment to death? What has ever since responded, when ever I reach out from knowing helplessness and confusion, and met all my needs, though not my bottomless and inchoate wants? And what is the ever-present, underlying quality of that unknown’s response? It makes me feel Loved. It has taught me to know Love. It has taught me to remember Love. When I was a child I was only fitfully aware of my parent’s love, yet I was totally dependent upon it. As I got older, I hungered for independence and was bitter and angry until I escaped, and found myself, by my own actions, abandoned, cold, and alone on the shore of adulthood. Soon I was lost at sea. In all innocence, I thought this was what I had to do: learn to be an adult…. alone.

April 28– I awake again, struggling in inner disquiet. All about me is stillness and clear light; a bird sings, bright and near; my struggles cease and I lay limp. I love the quiet of this place; I love the clarity; I love the brilliant voice of the bird; Jesus brought me here and bade me rest. I Love Him; I will rest until He calls me. I must trust Him and let my reflexive struggles come and go and not be moved by them from this rock where He bade me rest. All my hope is in Him; without Him there is none. Hope is justified in recognizing I am in  God’s Reality, not mine; I can not even conceive of how such a miracle was accomplished; here, this aching sack of bones has a chance of being mended; I accept that this IS the answer to my prayer, so I will rest and allow my agitations to dissipate. My heart fills with all I have been given to Love; let me stay my thoughts on those things; my heart goes out to all those who are also on this journey; all those who are lost  and wandering aimlessly; all those who rage and strike out in every direction; all those deluded and demented; all those mired in the insanity of Evil. All are my brothers and sisters, my human family. My aching sack of bones bears to me witness of all MY mistakes; my placement in this quiet place, with all my disquiet, is pure loving Grace. I obey with gratitude and love the Shepherd who brought me here and bade me rest. I acknowledge I am unready to walk, nor will I be able to judge my readiness. I must depend on Him solely. He will know. — I love Him.

May 1, wee hours– Negative conditions still dominate, but small steps of countering activity are possible and some of those I take. It feels good when I make those choices, but negative choices still dominate, by count at least. Something tells me (hope?) count may not be as significant as that good choice do get made and confirmed in acts of will, even joy…..   Small steps. trust. hope. Love. I come. I come. O worthy Lamb of God. I come…